When Empathy Becomes More Harmful Than Helpful

Are You Nursing People's Demons?

Empathy is one of the most beautiful gifts we can offer another person. It bridges hearts, softens pain, and reflects the compassion of Christ. But what happens when our empathy which is meant to heal begins to hinder transformation?

There’s a fine line between comforting someone through their struggle and comforting them in their bondage. Many of us, in our desire to help, end up nursing wounds that were never meant to be preserved, unknowingly creating a safe space not just for the hurting person, but for the very forces keeping them bound.

I recall a personal experience a few years ago where this couldn't be more true. It was a brief period of journeying with a woman who was chronically depressed and displayed moments of bipolarity. My approach? Empathy and compassion.

I excused the mood swings and reassured her of my unwavering support, carefully helping her navigate the roots of her issues. I believed it was worthwhile because I noticed gradual changes: less irritation, more participation, less social avoidance, and more openness.

Progress, or so it seemed.

I was hopeful that with patience and time, we would move beyond the surface to get to the heart of the matter. But she would prove to be very intentioned.

When Comfort Becomes a Cage

As the relationship progressed, it became apparent that her comfort around me stemmed from a sense of safety. She felt free to be herself without fear of rejection. She felt accepted and loved. That in itself was beautiful. But something else was clear, she avoided discomfort.

She would open up just enough to maintain engagement, then retreat the moment things got uncomfortable. I wanted to think her walls were slowly breaking down, but in reality, she was maintaining control. She wanted connection without confrontation, comfort without change. Yet, she communicated her desire for a different life, relief from her misery.

She had become well acquainted with her wounds. And wounds left unhealed become breeding grounds for demons.

Whether one believes in real or figurative demons, the fact remains that our soul wounds can keep us bound.

As I reflected on that experience, the Lord revealed something profound to me:

Sometimes, we nurse people’s demons by keeping them so comfortable [with our empathy] that they have no reason to ever leave.

When Does Empathy Become More Harmful Than Helpful?

Empathy is the ability to feel what others feel, to step into their experience and connect with their pain. It draws us toward compassion and helps us see the humanity in others.

Empathy is good, but it can be deceptive if it’s not anchored in truth.

When emotions lead our engagements, we become subject to them. What follows is an exchange of feelings that may comfort in the moment but produce little lasting fruit.

In times of grief, loss, or trauma, empathy is essential. But in the presence of apathy, sin, rebellion, or spiritual oppression, empathy can actually feed the very thing that needs to die. It can act like fuel to a fire that should be extinguished.

When a demon that thrives on our wounds hears empathy, it receives it as validation.

Empathy without spiritual authority says: “You’re welcome here. Take your time.”

There’s no confrontation. No conviction. No urgency for deliverance.

Empathy that’s void of the Word and authority of God lacks the power to bring true healing. Because apart from Jesus-the One whom demons fear-transformation is impossible.

“For God has put all things in subjection under His feet.” (1 Corinthians 15:27)

“Therefore God has highly exalted Him and bestowed on Him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth.” (Philippians 2:9–10)

Without Jesus, we may exhaust many words, over many years that achieve behaviour modification but never touch the root. What results is surface level change while the deeper bondage remains intact.

The Subtle Deception

This deception is subtle because it’s masked by well-doing.

As I looked back on that exchange, I could see where I held back. I had shared about Jesus, but I didn't challenge her with the full weight of His Word. I saw her as fragile because of her history of rejection. I prioritized her sensitivity to rejection and need for belonging over her need for deliverance.

In short, I led with my emotions.

What am I not saying? I’m not suggesting we shouldn’t create spaces where people feel safe and accepted. We merely need to look around our communities and see that there is a desperate need for that. What I am saying is that creating safety doesn’t absolve us from the responsibility to hold each other accountable to the truth.

The Lesson: Empathy Needs Truth

So, what lesson can we draw from this?

Well, it's not to do away with empathy. Far from it.

Rather, it’s to remember that empathy isn’t a cure. It should never be medicative.

Empathy and compassion should lead us toward humility as we engage others.

Scripture exhorts us to:

“Weep with those who weep.” (Romans 12:15)

And to,

“Comfort others with the comfort we ourselves have received from the Lord.” (2 Corinthians 1:4)

These verses remind us that shared struggle builds genuine compassion and meaningful connection. But we’re also warned:

“With the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” (Matthew 7:2)

How we treat others matters deeply to God.

When we walk in humility, we don't regard ourselves as better than others, we recognize that we’re all dependent on God’s mercy. It's from that posture that we can lovingly shine a light into the dark areas of others' lives that they're unwilling to look at, and perhaps, unwilling to relinquish.

Healing Over Comfort

If we genuinely desire to see people healed and set free then we must overcome our own discomfort with rejection, failure, or offense, otherwise we'll keep people comfortable in bondage rather than free in Christ.

Empathy should not shield people from conviction. It should lead them toward it. Because comfort without confrontation only prolongs bondage.

And true love doesn’t simply preserve peace, it pursues freedom.

The Process of Transformation

The reality is transformation isn't always as graceful as a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. There's struggle, pressure, and breaking before the beauty. The timing of change is up to the Lord, but we certainly don't have to slow down the process by trying to ease the discomfort. We need merely to show up, in humility, in truth, and in love, motivated by God's desire for every soul to be set free.

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Reflection

• When have you prioritized someone’s comfort over their healing?

• How do you discern between kindness and truth?

• Do you believe truth itself is an expression of love?

• Has fear of losing a relationship ever kept you from sharing God’s life-giving truth?

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Final Thoughts

We can allow our emotions to derail spiritual progress when we're more concerned with protecting our comfort or that of another. We must be willing to risk discomfort ourselves if we are to guide others through it. So, the next time you feel hesitant to confront when gentle confrontation is needed, or when you sense intentional avoidance, remember this:

Empathy opens the door, but only truth sets people free.

If we are to minister like Christ, we must love people enough to resist nursing their demons and start calling them into deliverance.